Staying Home

A few months ago me and Adam started talking about what it would be like for me to return to work. It had been our plan all along and I made a date with my boss for the end of February to come back. But as that date approached we were both getting more and more anxious and we talked a lot about whether this was something we really wanted or not. We thought about whether or not we could afford it, we thought about our new schedules (Mya in school twice a week, Adam working 30-40 minutes away), we thought about how our lives had changed since I was last working. My date to return was getting closer and we still had not made up our minds. I was torn. I didn't want to leave the burden of being the sole financial provider on Adam's shoulders, I didn't want to leave my boss in a pickle trying to fill a spot that had proven difficult to fill while I was on mat leave and most of all, I was worried about what other people would think (more specifically, the stigma associated with stay at home moms. "oh, you're just a mom?" as if we sit around and eat bonbons all day). I know, that sounds stupid. To continue doing something that is making you and your family miserable because of what other people think. But it was true. And on the other hand, I was heart sick thinking about going back and my gut was telling me no.

So, we decided that it would be a good idea to do a trial run. I would go back to work and we would see how things went. If it turned out that it wasn't working for us, then I would stop. The first couple days were great! I fell right back into my old groove, I remembered most things about my job, and I remembered a good chunk of the patients. I thought this was going to be easier than I thought it would be. But, as the days went by I felt myself becoming more and more unhappy and at first I was able to hide it and put on a smile but after awhile I was getting a lot of "how are you making out being back at work?" and "you must be exhausted." And I was. I was very exhausted. I felt like I was working two jobs: my daytime job running around the house with two small children and trying to keep my juggling balls all in the air at the same time and my evening job running around the clinic only to come home and still have to face a load of laundry or some other task. I wasn't getting enough sleep to sustain the kind of days that require that much energy. My days were stressful leading up to my evening departure and it made me short with the kids and our time together less than pleasant. To add to my daily, regular, lead up to work stress, we also had Adam working 40 minutes away and he often had after school commitments like meetings or extra curriculars that made him late getting home, leaving us only 20 minutes to have supper together as a family before I darted out the door.

This was not what either of us wanted. We were both feeling the strain and we were not happy. We decided that it was time for me to talk to my boss. Two weeks ago, I sat in her office and explained to her that it was not working for our family anymore to have me working evenings. I got upset which surprised me because I thought I would just go in there and tell her I was leaving but it was so much harder than that. You see, I am one of the lucky ones who actually likes my boss, my co-workers and my job and it's for those reasons I tried going back at all. I was putting off giving my boss what I considered bad news because I didn't want to leave my little work family. She was really great about the whole thing and said she understood. She said I would always have a job there then she gave me a hug and welcomed my suggestion to do some work from home for them.

The next hard step was telling our families whom for most, had no idea we had been struggling with me going back to work so finding out that I gave my notice would come as a big surprise. Some were more supportive than others, which we expected but for the most part everyone was just happy that we were happy.

Tomorrow is my last day at work and Monday will be my first day as an official stay at home mom. I hope my new bosses are as nice as my old one was!